Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.