After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot