@SnarkyMommy78

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

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@moxieblogger

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

@mompsychologist

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

@david8hughes

Her: I like smart guys
Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase

@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

@the_gramble

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

@XAIMMadellynne

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@ObscureGent

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances