What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When ur friends with white people
Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?
Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do
* tries to spread peanut butter *
Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend