@mortimermaiden

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

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@Underchilde

What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.

@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

@dksc4life

It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.

@NoFlipFlops

Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.

@dance_blessed

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

@SteveSuckington

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

@BaldyLockzz

* tries to spread peanut butter *

Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend