6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”