“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
You Might Also Like
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again