@GingerGander
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
@eslpaul
Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too
Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir
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@GingerGander
@Spooferman_
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
@TheAlexNevil
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
@Brianhopecomedy
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
@SegaCDgames
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
@Tw1tter_K1tten
Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.
@Marlebean
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
@UncleDuke1969
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
@bobbiejo448
Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.
@contradiction70
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..