@eslpaul

Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too

Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir

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@GingerGander

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

@TheAlexNevil

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

@Brianhopecomedy

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

@Marlebean

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

@UncleDuke1969

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

@bobbiejo448

Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.