Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

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How To Be Interesting:

Never pronounce “Ray Liotta” the same way twice


[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}


[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat


Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%


House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial


An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.


“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”


[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…