Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
You Might Also Like
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Breaking news:
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am