Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*