Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
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Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me: “woofie goldberg”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
you are not alone. theres bugs
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I’m Italian, but I’m not “save a princess from a weird dinosaur looking guy, with my brother Luigi” Italian.