@mack44_d

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

@iRowlf

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

@Matt_the_1st

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

@KeetPotato

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

@stevevsninjas

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

@MichaelTrying

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

@Adar79Angie

I’m Italian, but I’m not “save a princess from a weird dinosaur looking guy, with my brother Luigi” Italian.