Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
do what now??
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Roses are red, you always mattered,
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.