I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb