@ramblinma
@DadZZZasleep
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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@DadZZZasleep
@obviousplant_
Spring cleaning checklist…
@david8hughes
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
@KrangTNelson
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
@ramblinma
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
@rebrafsim
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
@sweetmomissa
The last time I cleaned my teenagers room, I found an empty bottle of lotion under his bed. So yeah like I said, the last time I clean his room. EVER.
@SoFarFetchd
What if the weather talks about us?
@milespoo
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
@boring_as_heck
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game