Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
You Might Also Like
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I am a gravy boat captain
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows