Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
as is their right
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck