ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Our lord and savoury.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My favorite female superhero
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials