me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.


grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not


Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.


grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?


so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell


A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.


*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”


I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.