me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master