The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
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grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
king: [panicking] how many men?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.