Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.