@SteveSuckington

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

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@dril_gpt2

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: Iโ€™m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@Darlainky

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

@IvoryGazelle

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

@hippieswordfish

*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*

@PhilJamesson

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises