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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Bit chilly again tonight.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
#Caturday
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.