I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break