ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?