ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming