ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.