Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.