Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.