I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend