@lisaxy424

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

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@JIMBOSWELT

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

@Laser_Cat

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

@DirtMcTurd

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

@JohnLyonTweets

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

@amanda_poops

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

@Home_Halfway

The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster

@ChiChiGreenblat

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

@fro_vo

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend