me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I need this for my side hustle.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay