If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
uh oh