If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
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Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.