I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You Might Also Like
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.