“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I fed the cows marijuana.
The steaks have never been higher.
My brain is a bad influence on me