Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.


[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine


I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.


The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare


*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*


[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo


There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango


Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.


Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.