Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You Might Also Like
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
guilty
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
The fall of Netflix
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
being a writer on Twitter: