Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
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LA today:
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Meme Monday.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.