Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I have a black belt in leather
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Hey Fugeddaboutit
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart