ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
You Might Also Like
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
How it started: How it’s going:
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.