ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.


According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.


Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.


I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.


*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*



*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”


I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!


The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga


Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.