@capnwatsisname

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

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@TheCatWhisprer

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

@StellaGMaddox

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

@Mr_Kapowski

Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

@iAmDelFreaky

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

@AndyAsAdjective

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

@preritpathak

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

@FunnyMojoJojo

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.