There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down