me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Home is where your toilet is.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The Struggle
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The Birdles