me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.


Shopping with friend

“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”

Me: “What’s leftover pizza?


I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.


Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.


freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door


a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO


Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??


me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”


me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”


Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.