me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
The fall of Netflix
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Mad Max Arctic Road
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost