@LlamaInaTux

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

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@notalogin

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

@isabelzawtun

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

@Reba_aa

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

@shawnspree

I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

@harvardgraduat

[during sex]

her: punish me

me: [panicking] g-go stand in the corner and think about what u did

@BoLenerf

Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it