me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall


When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.


Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.


“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.


when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.


[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great


Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches


“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”


“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally