@UncleDuke1969

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

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@AndrewNadeau0

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

@80sjams

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

@ineedaballrub

I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in.

Well played, Google.

@Book_Krazy

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine

@JRehling

Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.

@mydmac

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.