@AndrewNadeau0
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
@UncleDuke1969
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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@AndrewNadeau0
@thepaulasuzanne
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
@squirrel74wkgn
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
@80sjams
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
@ineedaballrub
I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in.
Well played, Google.
@Book_Krazy
ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine
@JRehling
Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.
@sixfootcandy
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
@mydmac
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
@BastardProphet
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.