If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Me: The force is strong with this one
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in.
Well played, Google.
ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine
Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.