Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?