“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape