The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
You Might Also Like
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though