@JayCee302

Me: “I really like this car”

Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”

Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”

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@TheAndrewNadeau

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

@RBColl

[spelling bee]

Teacher: Your word is indictment.

Me: Can you use that in a sentence?

Teacher: Yes, I can use indictment in a sentence.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@Nikkeya08

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

@truegritrumble

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

@KevinBuffalo

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly

@cuckoo_cachu

Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I’m putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.