@DrakeGatsby

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

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@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@markleggett

I’m disappointed to see that a lot of women are using “period tracker apps” now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.

@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

@Gupton68

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

@stevevsninjas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

@iscoff

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@ObscureGent

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

@KelleysBreakRm

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.