me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

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Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet


Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.


Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese


13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S


I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.


[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”


This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.


A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.


Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.


Me: I told everyone.