me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
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My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
me: why does my back hurt
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