Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

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{Speed dating}

Him: What are your interests?

Me: Guns, knives, blood, drugs, cemeteries…

Wait! Where are you going? We still have 3 min


I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.


Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.


I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.


if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water


[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog


Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.


They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.


Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?