Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I feel attacked.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?