not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
You Might Also Like
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me