@robin_991

Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant

10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant

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@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

@EvilSchwartzie

In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.

@dave_cactus

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@bornmiserable

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@TheRolo

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

@YuckyTom

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.