Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant
10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant
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apartment hunting is going well
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.