If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant
10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant
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In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
me: what’s your favorite farm animal?
owen wilson: cow
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.