Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me: I really need to save money
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