Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

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I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.


It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”


I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.


“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.


After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.


I know you seen me continuously push the “close doors” button while you ran to the elevator. Now it’s just awkward


I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.


Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.


Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?