@JediGigi

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

You Might Also Like

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

@RxitWounds

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@TheOneTrueDisco

[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

@Brentweets

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

@Easy_Tiger__

I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.

@minkpinkustink

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

@Xoolun

I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.

Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.

@MoneypennyNaked

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.