@generaldietz

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

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@Shock_Monster

Driving back from funeral yesterday:

Stairway To Heaven
*click*

Tears In Heaven
*click*

Highway To Hell
*click*

Macarena!
*leaves it*

@djdarrellripley

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

@Naked_Superman

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

@AbbieEvansXO

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cow.

Cow: what do I eat?

God: you just can’t get enough grass.

Cow: like a lawnmower?

God: uh sure.

Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.

God: was that a cow pun?

Cow: yes did you like it : )

God:

Cow:

God: it was udderly adorable : )

@mrjohndarby

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice