Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
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For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians