Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
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Driving back from funeral yesterday:
Stairway To Heaven
Tears In Heaven
Highway To Hell
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
God: you’re a cow.
Cow: what do I eat?
God: you just can’t get enough grass.
Cow: like a lawnmower?
God: uh sure.
Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.
God: was that a cow pun?
Cow: yes did you like it : )
God: it was udderly adorable : )
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice