Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
You Might Also Like
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.