Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?