Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
#Caturday
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?