Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

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[on a date with a teacher]

Me: your eyes are beautiful

Her: yours too

Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you

Her: i don’t know CAN YOU


Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*


You’re more likely to find something when you’re not looking for it. Right now, I’m not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.


Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins


She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.


Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.


FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.


I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it’s going to be impossible.
A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!