Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
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They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?