Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal

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PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?


PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS


Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.


The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.


Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?


I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.


When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.


You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.


coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions