Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal

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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.


Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse


Saturday plans:
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
– laundry


A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.


If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing


Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…



Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.


Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.


My mom told me that whenever I use an Uber I need to make sure it’s my ride and not a random car because I could get kidnapped. And I was like “I’m a fully grown man. No one wants to kidnap me.” And she had the most mom response: “Nonsense. Anyone would be lucky to kidnap you.”