Him: speak dirty
Me: mud, mud, MUUUUUUD
Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.
Me: but 10 is more than 7.
4: ok, then 6 minutes
Me: …you got a deal
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“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time