a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there