@michimama75

Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal

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@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

@Molly_Kats

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

@nicfit75

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

@WheelTod

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

@SJSchauer

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.

@HenpeckedHal

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

@mattgallo123

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

@DurtMcHurtt

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

@mynameisntdave

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time