@WarEagleChopOn
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
@michimama75
Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.
4: 7
Me: but 10 is more than 7.
4: ok, then 6 minutes
Me: …you got a deal
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@WarEagleChopOn
@laurenmacdonald
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
@TheMichaelRock
Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.
– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse
@Almighty_Smoot
Saturday plans:
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
– laundry
@Staggfilms
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
@bridger_w
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
@QwertyJones3
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
@lecalabara
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
@jazmasta
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
@BrandonEsWolf
My mom told me that whenever I use an Uber I need to make sure it’s my ride and not a random car because I could get kidnapped. And I was like “I’m a fully grown man. No one wants to kidnap me.” And she had the most mom response: “Nonsense. Anyone would be lucky to kidnap you.”