ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?