Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
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[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out