me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
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me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?